a bit of a downer and for that, i'm sorry . . .

been feeling kinda blah today. i'm not sure why. perhaps it's a combination of things, but needless to say, today hasn't been a great day. it hasn't been a complete bust . . . just feeling a little down, i guess.

i know one reason is because of school. i have been doing well and working hard. so far, i have As. but i did something so incredibly dumb the other day that it could perhaps affect me finishing school and getting my associate's in computer science. and that would completely suck cuz i have no PLAN B. matter of fact, this IS my plan B. so if this fails, then what? i don't know. right now, i am just waiting on a resolution and then i will be able to feel okay with everything. either way. i did this to myself, so if it goes badly, i will suffer the consequences. if it goes in my favor, i will be smarter in the future.

another thing that has been really bothering me is that i am really worried about someone i hold near and dear to my heart. she has been going through a lot of changes, and honestly, i'm afraid she's not okay. and i don't mean because of the physical changes. i mean because of what's going on inside her head. i always thought she and i were really close, but lately, she seems . . . vacant. like nothing matters to her anymore. and that scares me. i worry for her mental health and i worry for her family. it isn't my life, so i cannot live it for her. and i will never judge her or think anything bad of her. i will just worry in silence and hope that she knows i love her more than my life. i would do anything to take her pain away. i hope that one day she can be strong enough to seek out help and get herself mentally situated. she is a strong person and deserves the best that life has to offer her. i know she doesn't believe that, though. i hope that one day she can see herself as i see her : beautiful, smart, funny, strong, vivacious, caring and thoughtful. right now, i'm just not even sure she sees herself. it makes me so sad for her. i hope one day she can find strength and put her demons to rest. her husband deserves it. her kids deserve it. but most of all, she deserves it.

i have to go back to work tomorrow, too. i have had a few days off; the beau and i took our kiddos, my nephew and my niece to dallas for the weekend. they had a good time. we went to LegoLand, hurricane harbor and medieval times. we took them bowling and they got to eat out a lot. i know they enjoyed it. it makes me happy to think that we could do that for them. especially my niece. she doesn't live around all her cousins, so i know it was a real treat for her to spend an entire weekend with three of them. and i know she looks up to my girls, so that makes me proud. even though lynese and lynae are my "stepchildren," i don't think of them that way. i love them as my own. i hurt when they hurt, i am happy when they are. everything i do now takes them into consideration. i tell them i love them, but i hope that they know i really do. and i hope that one day, they will love me, too.

anyway, it's late and time for me to get kids into bed. work comes early. i have strayed from going to the gym, but the beau and i are supposed to start back together tomorrow. mom is going to watch the kids and we will go to a spin class tomorrow night. i am actually looking forward to it. i know that if i can just get going again, i will build a routine and get back to a healthier style of life. i want that for myself, for my beau, for the kids. we will see how tomorrow goes.


  1. I hopt things work out for your friend. I am sure your love and support are felt and appreciated. Hang in there!

  2. You're a good stepmomma! The few that I know really struggle with loving their stepkids (my own included- she didn't even try), so you're on the right track for them to love you back.

    Fingers are crossed that everything turns out okay. Cheer up.