i want to be happy. i really, really do. and for the most part, i really am! but sometimes, i can't help but think that something is missing in my life [and no, it's not religion]. i hate to admit it, but i'm starting to think that what is missing is . . . a man!
i *dated* d-wade for about two years, and quite honestly, i'm not 100% over him. i love(d) him for so long and he was in my life for a good while . . . well, a good while for me anyway. if you know me, you also know that i get bored easily. it's really hard for me to maintain any sort of relationship with a man because of this. i think i like them and *BAM!* just like that, i don't. and then everything they do just annoys me and i can't stand hanging out with them and then the very thought of their name sends chills -- and not the good kind -- up my back. his voice no longer sounds sexy or manly . . . all i can hear when they open their mouth is *blahblahblah.* i'm at that point right now.
i tried really hard to like ray lewis. he is the perfect gentleman. he's very nice, my friends like him. he's also funny, good-looking, *employed* and all that jazz. but i hung out with him for too long and now we're in the *bro stage.* i can go grab a drink with him or eat dinner, but i cannot, in any way, find him attractive beyond anything platonic. he hung out with me one night before i came here to el paso and he *tried to kiss me* before he left. i turned my head and yeah . . . i think he got the point. i am not even entirely sure why i don't like him anymore. but i don't.
another thing about me. i'm fiercely independent. i have a hard time asking for help and i hate having to answer to someone. i dislike hurting people's feelings and so a lot of times, that alone prevents me from getting involved. men: sometimes i don't wanna see you, sometimes i don't wanna hang out, sometimes i will choose my friends over you. sometimes i *just want to be alone.* that seems to be an issue. i hate having to tell someone where i am or why i'm going, and i'd rather keep most of my business to myself. again, another issue.
i'm not saying that a man is required to have happiness. but i see couples all the time who seem to be okay *being a couple.* maybe i'm not at that level yet, but i'd like to maybe get there at some point. maybe.
apparently i also have a fear of *commitment.*
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You just need to find someone who is as interesting and independent and smart as you are! I truly think one day you'll meet that guy. But even if you don't, you'll be a-ok on your own!
ReplyDeleteYou could always move here and marry a lil Momo boy!!
You should consider a soldier. Ron and I love each other as much as any couple, but I think the times apart made us a happier couple. Weird, huh? Anyway, hang in there.
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