dr jekyll and ms hyde

i have never been one of those girls to use smiley faces after every sentence or dot my Is with hearts or stars. i guess it's the tomboy in me that has always prevented me from being too girly, "too cool" for unicorns, barbie, doodles and dresses. i was more into football (or any sport, for that matter), gi joes, cars and ninja turtles. **if a boy could do it, i could do it better.** nobody was going to convince me of anything differently.

it's funny how we when we grow-up to become functioning adults of society, we mostly stay the same as we were at 5 years old, but add little tweaks here and there. i am sitting in my office today in a skirt and a girly sweater. i feel out of place in it; **i feel like i am a fraud.** i'm used to jeans, tees, sweats, workout clothes, flip flops or running shoes. instead, i'm running around in grown-up clothes, pretending that this is normal attire for me. my co-workers know no different, either. they've only seen me in these clothes. and it makes me wonder if they think i look "normal" in them, or can they sense my discomfort? it's not that i think i look ridiculous in them; it's just that i'm not used to them.

i have always disliked wearing dresses. i remember being in the second or third grade and it was picture day at the school. my mama really wanted me to wear a dress for the picture, but there was NO WAY she was going to get me to wear a dress to school. so when it was time for pictures, my mama showed up at the school, dress in hand. i even remember the dress . . . purple flowery thing with white lace somewhere on the dress. she tells me to go into the bathroom, put on the dress and to give her my other clothes. i did, and only after taking my picture, did i realize **my mama had left me and taken the shorts and tee i had on before with her.** i had to wear the dress for the rest of the day. even though it was only for an hour or so, i remember crying -- sobbing, if you will -- that i had to wear that dress for the rest of the day. (she will prolly deny this story, but a little girl who was a tomboy could never forget something as traumatizing as having to wear a dress for the rest of the school day!)

and yet here i sit in this office, legs crossed at the ankles cuz nowadays i'm too old to put on a pair of shorts under my skirt like my 6 year old niece does. i am now ladylike. i am in frilly skirt and ruffly shirt, makeup perfectly plastered on my typically natural face. i am polite, funny, somewhat aloof. i smile when appropriate, and pay attention in class, back straight, hands folded in my lap. **ever the lady.** and it makes me realize that i don't think i would ever wanna do this fulltime.

quite honestly, it makes me appreciate the weekends, when i can roll out of bed, through on a pair of shorts or sweats or whatever the day feels like, with a tank or shirt that sometimes matches, sometimes doesn't. and my shoes don't have to be heels or cute or girly. they can be flip-flops or those running shoes. and i can shave my legs if i want to, or skip it if i don't wanna. and i can throw on a baseball cap or put my hair up in a messy ponytail and not care. **and i can be loud and obnoxious and say inappropriate things at inappropriate times and not feel bad.** i can be the tomboy that i have always been; i can be comfortable in my own skin.

but when monday morning rolls around, i get out of bed, put on my skirt or my pressed slacks, my button-up or girly sweater, my heels and **i pretend all over again.** and my co-workers have no clue that the night before, i was at my mama's house dressed in mismatched clothing, being my true self: laughing loud, talking louder, being obnoxious.

**and i think i like it that way.**