on the scene

so in an effort to *put myself out there* [as ben likes to call it] i am going on a date tonight. i'd say it's the second date, but my date [whom i'll now refer to as ray lewis] doesn't believe it to be the second. we went out saturday night but i also invited a couple of my friends along [jason and melissa] because i wanted to introduce them and "hook them up." so according to ray lewis, this will be our first date.

the problem is, i really don't like him *in that way.* no interest on my part whatsoever. he's nice enough, not bad-looking, even owns a motorcycle. problem is, guys like him are a dime a dozen. i'm not looking for the next best thing to come along. honestly, i'm not even sure what i'm looking for. but i know i'm not looking for the ordinary.

and truth is, he's pretty ordinary, pretty standard. there was no instant spark when i met him, no chemistry. i didn't imagine myself running through a field of flowers with him or waking up and reading the paper on saturdays with him next to me. there was . . . nothing. and i'm definitely not a believer that you can "learn" to like someone. for me, if it's not there, it's not there. with my ex, d-wade, i knew it from the moment i saw him that *there could be something,* even though we didn't start dating til a significant time after that. and it's been that way with all the men i have dated.

really, i'm not even sure why i'm wasting my time tonight. i know i'm not interested, and i've told him i'm not interested, so he has to know. i'm very honest because i never like to be the person to lead someone else on. i should've said no in the first place, but he somewhat guilted me. and everyone knows that if you just guilt me a little bit, i'll usually give in [which i secretly despise]. and so now i'm going to eat at a restaurant i don't particulary like [nami] with a man i don't particularly like [ray lewis].

i mentioned to ben that i might cancel and then he reminded me of my resolution to stop flaking out on people *once i confirm plans* because i do that quite often. and so i hope i can choke down some sushi [which i don't particularly like] and enjoy the evening. good thing i have a 440am date with the gym . . . i can always cut it short. and good thing i leave for el paso this month . . . hopefully he will have forgotten all about me by the time i get back!